Using Grammar and Good Manners to Save the World

I know, you’ve been thinking to yourself that it seems like I’ve been phoning it in this last week. You know, not actually showing up and putting forth my best effort, but just going through the motions. And, you’re not totally wrong, either.

For the last week, I’ve been working hard at trying to set up and launch a brand new site, and so you folks, as well as the readers at my personal blog, have been a little neglected.

I’m nothing if not resourceful, though, and thought I would take advantage of this to give you suggestions on how YOU can “phone in” your own work for the rare occasions that life gets in the way. But first, a few caveats:

•  First, most important point–this is NOT something you should make a habit of doing. Whether you’re writing your own blog or writing for someone else, you should always do your best. If you make a habit of this casual approach, your quality will suffer and your readers will disappear. You can only phone in your writing once in a while, when it’s more important to make sure people know you haven’t disappeared than to risk putting up something mediocre. If you’ve been sick with the flu for a week and you just want to tell people you’re not dead, they’ll be so relieved they’ll forgive a certain amount of shaky sentence structure. If you’re a brand new parent, in the middle of moving to a new home, or just been in a car accident, your readers will give you some leeway. If you’re completely swamped with work for a week, again, people are usually understanding.
• Don’t make a habit of this. I can’t stress this enough. Your readers (which includes anybody paying you to write) deserve quality work, and their patience is short. Even though you might be able to knock off an article about “10 Ways to Keep Birthday Candles Lit” in 20 minutes, doesn’t mean that that article doesn’t deserve your best work. That’s what makes people come back, and that, ultimately, is on what your readership depends.
• Phoning it in is NOT Cool. Remember those kids at the back of class in high school? The ones who stretched their legs out as they leaned back in their chairs? The ones who never carried a book, never did an assignment, because they were just too cool for school? Yeah. Don’t do that. Barring exceptional circumstances, it is never fair to your readers to act like you don’t care. If you make a habit of being lazy and casual and too blasé to care, then your readers aren’t going to care, either.

So, how DO you phone it in?

• The trick to a successful writing assignment is to choose a topic that you know about. One that you can practically write about in your sleep. Are you an expert in programming? Explain the concept of PHP for newbies. Do you work in a bakery? Give tips on frosting a perfect cake. Write about things you already know, things that you explain every day.
• Write a bulleted list. Assembling a list of points, tips, facts, whatever is always going to be easier and faster than writing cohesive paragraphs that flow from one to another.
• Keep it short–but not too short. Need it be said that, when trying to get something written and complete as quickly as possible, that keeping it short is useful? But it can’t be TOO short. Unless you are physically constrained so that you are only able to peck out “Sick. Can’t write. More later,” then, even the most time-strapped or distracted writer owes at least a few paragraphs to a devoted readership. After all, you’re a writer–writing a hundred or more words shouldn’t be too taxing.

What other tips have you got?

Oh, and my new site? It’s called Knitting Scholar. It’s filled with knitting book reviews, which may or may not be interest to you, but I WOULD appreciate opinions on the layout and structure if you’d care to come take a look. It’s a magazine Wordpress theme and a LOT more work than I expected. Not least of which because I’m not remotely a programmer. I can do HTML and I can sort of kind of decipher basic CSS enough to modify things like colors, but I have no clue about this PHP stuff, so there are a bunch of things that aren’t quite the way I’d like them, but there’s nothing I can do about it (grin). Anyway, that’s what I’ve been working on.

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Well, here’s a great place to go–Daniel Scocco put together a fabulous post covering all the basics of English grammar. No, really. Go check it out.

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This one has to be a quickie, today, so I’m just going to give you a list of some commonly misspelled words to remind you what they should be. (American spellings, just in case.)

• Absence
• Accommodate
• Commitment
• Completely
• Definitely (My favorite memory-device for this word? It’s got “finite” right in the middle, and there’s no “a” in finite.)
• Environment
• Exaggerate
• Government
• Indispensable
• Misspell (ironic, that!)
• Parallel
• Privilege
• Separately
• Vacuum

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There is an article in the current issue of Time Magazine that talks about spelling reform, and discusses the proposal that we offer official, variantions for spellings of some of the most commonly-misspelled words.

The senior lecturer in criminology at Bucks New University in Buckinghamshire, England sees so many misspellings in papers submitted by first-year students that he says we’d be better off letting the perpetrators off the hook and doing away with certain spelling rules altogether. Good spellers, Smith says, should be able to go on writing as usual; those who find the current rules of English too hard to learn should have their spelling labeled variant, not wrong.

The rationale seems to be that since there are so many words that are frequently misspelled, we should just accept the fact that people usually forget the “r” in “February” and move on–allowing teachers to save their valuable time for more important things that correcting spelling.

The article goes on to say:

Word nerds aren’t the only ones with a stake in the proposal. People who have trouble with spelling are punished when it comes to applying for jobs or even filling out forms, even though their mistakes are far from unusual.

Now, our next-door neighbor is an elementary school principal and was saying just last night that she’s been reviewing resumes for some teaching positions, and that the applicants are using “Texting” abbreviations on their resumes. These are people applying for teaching positions! Would you want someone who considers “text” jargon to be acceptable on a resume to teach your children to read? I know I wouldn’t.

This is not because I’m am stuck in the past and still believe the paper book is one of the best inventions under the sun (right along with the Internet, thank you very much). I’m willing to accept that teenagers text each other all the time, and that abbreviations are key, and that a certain amount of that may well flow over into more traditional kinds of communication. But there’s a difference between using creative spelling in a letter or an email, and using it on a formal resume.

And there’s a huge difference between misspelling “definite” because it’s confusing, and misspelling it because you just don’t care.

But some language purists insist that there is value to the top-down rules of English. “People who spell a lot of words incorrectly either aren’t paying attention or don’t care,” says Barbara Wallraff, who writes the Wordcourt column on language and writing problems for the Atlantic and King Features Syndicate. “Why are we changing our language to accommodate — with two m’s — them?”

This is pretty much the way I feel. To me, this is the “Lowest-Common Denominator” kind of decision making. It’s pandering. We don’t want to make spelling too hard for everyone, so let’s just drop the standards so everyone can do it. But this is like raising the speed limit because every one speeds when they drive; or lowering the legal drinking age because, well, everyone knows teenagers sneak a drink now and again. Instead of trying to achieve a certain standard, we’re just giving up. It just lowers the bar for everybody.

Does that mean that I am henceforth dedicating my life to keeping the “r” in February? No. Language evolves, and that includes spelling. Even Ken Smith, quoted in the Time article, isn’t looking for sweeping reform. “I’m just saying, let’s have a few more variant spellings.” Personally, I’m not opposed to updating spelling parameters, and hey, there are words I get confused on, too. (I only just finally “got” Separate-with-an-A by reminding myself that it’s describing something separate, like it was pared away like apple peel. And yes, I know that has nothing to do with it, but darn it, pare is spelled with an “a” just like the middle of “separate” and it’s working for me.)

It worries me that so many people–especially the ones who are educating the children of the world–are giving in to the “If you can’t beat it, join it” mentality of simply accepting that kids don’t want to learn to spell, and would rather change the rules than try to teach differently.

What do you think? Do you think that teaching spelling is a losing battle? Do you think it’s one that we should try to win anyway? Or just hoist the white flag up the flagpole now and take a long lunch?

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Last week, we briefly discussed the different verb “persons,” but this is important in writing and warrants some extra attention.

Because, you see, it comes down to “voice,” and voice is extraordinarily important in narrative.

First Person, when the speaker uses “I”. That is, I, We, Me, Us

So far as narrative goes, you would use this when you are telling a story about your own experiences.  When writing a diary. When telling your spouse about your day. When making a speech.

Where fiction is concerned, you would use First Person when the story is being told by a character, or a specific individual–one who only knows what he or she can know. If you write a story told by, say, the butler, he may certainly know who the murderer is (”I did it.”) but he is not going to be able to tell you what the lead detective is thinking, or when he is going to be caught–because that character could not know those things. When you write in first person, you can describe immediate experiences of a character. (”Toto and I opened the door and couldn’t believe our eyes. Everything was so bright and colorful. We could tell right away we weren’t in Kansas any more.”) You can explain how they feel, what they are thinking, but they can’t know what’s happening in the next room.

Second Person, is all about You

You would use this voice when writing a how-to guide. (”Insert screw A in hole B and tighten.”) You would use this when giving direction or guidance (”You need to go about a mile and then turn left onto Maple Avenue.”) You would use this for an inspirational speech. (”The only one who can change the world is you. You are the hopes of tomorrow.“)

So far as fiction goes, second person narrative is a rare, rare thing outside of dialogue. This is mostly because, well, it’s hard to maintain this “voice” over the entire course of a book. It’s similar to breaking the “fourth wall” in video–when an actor speaks directly to the watching audience–to be most effective, it should be used in very small doses. Remember Ferris Bueller? Matthew Broderick’s character addressed the audience a few times, exchanged knowing glances with the camera from time to time, but throughout most of the movie, he and the other characters were supremely unaware of the audience’s existance. When writing fiction, you can similarly address the reader during a narrative, but maintaining the “You” voice throughout? It’s almost impossible to do it well. That’s not to say it’s never been done, but it’s so rare, it’s like a swimmer winning eight Olympic gold medals in a week. It takes an incredible amount of talent and a perfect concatenation of circumstances for it to work just write … er … right.

Third Person, the gossip’s favorite: He, She, They, Him, Her, Them

Third Person is all about talking about other people. “He did this,” “She did that.” Used for anecdotes. Gossip. Newscasts.

For fiction? Third Person is king. A huge proportion of the fiction you read is written in third person. Spoken, usually, by an omniscient narrator who can tell the entire story from a vast, all-seeing vantage point. “He crept to the doorway and leaned his ear carefully against the wood, straining with every breath to hear the voices on the other side.” In a situation like that, chances are the person is in the room alone–the only one who can know what he is doing (other than himself) is this all-knowing narrator. Really, they are very helpful.

One other note about Voice and Narrator:

Be careful not to get confused while you are writing.

I don’t mean that I think you are going to start mixing up the difference between I, You and Him. What I mean is that sometimes while you’re writing, your voice can “slip.” It’s possible to accidentally switch from one paragraph, one sentence to the next, without meaning to.  If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll see that I’ve switched a few times in this post–I’ve spoken as myself, and I’ve addressed you directly. The difference, though is that this IS a blog post, so I can speak about my own experiences and also give you guidance–using both first and second person, very naturally.

As a rule, you want to be aware of this. Especially if you’re writing fiction. Do you need me to tell you about the time I wrote half of a novel in first person and then somehow switched over to third person for the second half? Going back to make ALL the changes in Voice to make it consistent was NOT fun. Don’t let this happen to you!

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So, if people don’t learn grammar in school any more, and they’re not bothering to read the handy usage guides that are in the bookstores, how DO people manage to speak and write correctly?

Mostly, it’s in the ear.

It’s a fascinating phenomenon, how we humans learn language. Babies begin learning the ins and outs of language as early as 10 months old and by the time their vocal cords are ready to pronounce words, they can tell a noun from a verb and can certainly recognize sentences spoken to them by their parents. (”I said no!“) (Hmm, maybe that was a bad example.)

By the time we are ready to speak, and certainly by the time we’re learning to write, we have a solid grounding in the way our language works. We can decipher what people say to us, we can construct basic sentences (”Love you!“) and we’re learning new words like little linguistic sponges, if sponges can be said to learn.

By the time we’re closing in on adulthood, the language center in our brains is pretty well formed, and we can recognize what is “wrong” just like we can recognize when a song is off-key, or when somebody’s outfit is tacky and ugly.

We might not be able to pinpoint why, exactly, but we know it when we see it (or hear it)–Usually.

I know a rose when I see one, even if I don’t know to call it a “Rosa Rosacae.” In fact, that may be a completely fake Latin name, and that’s exactly my point. I don’t need a degree in botany to be able to identify a rose when someone hands me a bouquet.

The same thing goes for language–I can know that when somebody says, “He were going to the store,” it is wrong because of that single noun/plural verb dichotomy, but when I hear, “He and I were going to the store,” my ear is happy because it’s plural/plural.

The problem arises when your ear is tricked.

Is it “Either you or I are going to the store,” or is it “you or I am“? As I understand it, ”am” is correct because the noun is singular, although “are” sounds better to my ear.

Which is exactly why knowing what is correct is useful.

When a toddler lisps, “Me go, too,” as you’re walking out the door, the meaning is clear, even though the grammar is shaky. And, well, the child is just learning this stuff. Parents are just usually so happy that they’re starting to communicate in words instead of wails that they take what they can get. But, when a 30-year old says, “You and me should go to lunch today,” well, people are going to talk.

You know, not in a good way.

Do you agree? Disagree?

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We take time away from this friendly little writing blog for a rant….

Have you heard of Mozy? It’s an online backup service for your computer, where you sign up, set up a schedule for backups and … that’s it. Your computer henceforth automatically runs backups to Mozy’s server so that in the event of computing catastrophe, or your office burning down, you can get all your computer files back.

Mozy comes highly recommended and has all sorts of accolades. You can sign up for free (for something like 2MB of storage), have a personal account with unlimited storage for something like $5 a month, or a business account which uploads much faster. All pretty reasonable, I thought, and I’d had too many e-friends lately lose their computer drives to various assorted nasties, so in May, I decided to sign up

There were a couple little, opening glitches, but I got help from their Support staff and, for a month, things were good. Then, my mother’s computer experienced the Blue Screen of Death and I got a new computer so she could get my working one. At first, I was busy setting up the new computer, figuring out Vista, all that fun stuff, but about a week later, it occurred to me that I didn’t have Mozy set up on my new computer. But, hmmm, I didn’t want to have to go through that whole, long, initial backup all over again–my computer estimated it would take a week–so, I sent them an email to ask if there was a way around it.

I was told that there wasn’t a “clean” way to do this, but that the best method would be for me to sign up for a second account on the new computer, and then to alert the crack Mozy support staff, and they would transfer all my files from the old account to the new one, and then cancel the original account and refund my credit card for the temporary, duplicate account.

Well, that seemed kind of unwieldy for a situation that MUST have come up before, but, okay. That’s what I did.

On July 16th.

You can see what’s coming, right?

Nothing.

I have been practically bombarding Mozy with emails trying to get someone, anyone to address this problem.

Because, as of right now, I have not one, but TWO paid accounts and yet have been completely unable to do a backup in a month. Despite having–on their instructions–paid them TWICE for the honor of completely ignoring me.

And the only answer I got was from someone telling me to call them–which isn’t really an option since I’m nowhere near my home laptop during business hours and, anyway, why should I run up MY phone bill? Why is the burden for fixing THEIR problem on ME? Why, for that matter, is it necessary to have a phone call at all? The original instructions came from their alert support staff via email, and all I want is for them FIX the problem, which presumably they can do without verbal instructions from me, huh? (Like I have time to sit on the telephone with customer service?)

I don’t even dare tell them to just cancel both accounts because I am SURE that they wouldn’t give me a full refund. You just know that they would keep the money for the months I’ve been signed up–you know the first month my one account wasn’t working right, the second month when it was, and then the third month when I had TWO accounts, neither of which could be used at all. You just know that if I say “Cancel,” they’re going to give me a pro-rated refund on “time left” in my yearly contract.

Idiots.

Why is it so impossible to get good service these days? Why is it so impossible to get service from a company that you’re are paying solely FOR service. It’s not like I bought a camera or a cellphone that suddenly wasn’t working–there are companies out there with good products and lousy customer service, but in this case, the service IS the product. I’m paying them to backup my computer (or, more precisely, to give my computer a destination to send the files to be backed up), and I’m getting nothing–no service AND no customer service.

Frustration is high, and you know, I just had to share. I feel like I should apologize for having recommended them as being a good option for backing up your computer. (Which, if you’re not doing, you SHOULD. It is so, so vital!) You might be using them and everything may be going smoothly … or you could get completely stuck like I am. At this precise moment in time, I have absolutely no faith in them–or faith that, had my computer crashed, that I would have gotten a useable backup from them.

Because if they can’t automatically do a transfer when someone upgrades their computer, how can you be sure that they can transfer your files BACK when you need them? I can’t possibly be the first customer to have bought a new computer while using the Mozy service, and who did not want to have to suffer through the inconvenience of that looooong initial backup all over again. And I am livid over the fact that I am now paying for TWO accounts and getting ZERO service.

Does that seem right to you?

No. I don’t think so either.

Thanks for listening to the rant. At least I vented some steam, that’s something, anyway.

(Note: All the emphasis added to this post by using capital letters instead of italics? Very tacky of me, but then, I’m upset, and sometimes nothing will do but to shout in capitals. It’s better than shouting in person, right? But, really, as a person who tries to write about good grammar and good manners, I feel compelled to admit that that was grammatically wrong of me, no matter how emotionally satisfying.)

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So, the last two weeks, we’ve talked about verb tenses and moods. Today, we’ll talk about their person. In their simplest form…

First Person: I, We

A verb uses first person when the speaker is talking about himself.

• I love typing.
• We watched the race.
• I am going to go to the movies tonight.

Second Person: You

Second person is the verb form for direct address–that is, when I’m talking to you.

• You heard me, I’m talking to you!
• You did what?
• You need to call the doctor.

Third Person: He, She, They

This is used for describing things that happen, or telling stories about other people.

• And then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a jewelry box.
• She squealed and leaned forward to kiss him.
• They live in Paris, now.

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Kenneth over at Manage Your Writing spoke the other day about the importance of keeping things simple. He reminds us that, “Some research shows that when readers and listeners can’t understand your sentences, they think of you as less intelligent, not more.”

I certainly agree with that. Unnecessarily complex sentence construction confounds your readers’ need for clarity. The multisyllabic nature of university-level vocabulary may make your writing appear too obscure and obtuse for the average reader–not that any readers are truly average. They’ll start thinking you have something to hide.

Even if that vocabulary doesn’t turn them away, it’s going to make you look smug and conceited and elitist, using four-dollar words when one-dollar words would do.

All very true.

But, um, am I alone?

It’s FUN.

You heard me. I think it’s fun to pull out the vocabulary and stretch it as far as I can go.

This has to be done in moderation, of course. Let’s not get crazy. Like eating rich food, a little goes a long way.

But, the good part? Trying to expand your sentences to encompass those four-dollar words forces you to leave your comfort zone, to use some words that don’t get out of the dictionary very often.

And did I mention that it’s kind of fun? As an exercise, of course. Just once in a while.

Let’s give it a try, together.

Compose a suitable response, bearing in mind the thought that strengthening your verbal  muscles can only ever be beneficial for a person who remands words to paper, and enter it into the appropriately-named comment box found below this post. Leave multi-tiered sentences with layers of meaning and an excess of phrases and clauses that may seem unnecessarily verbose but which, in reality, manifest themselves of a single thought, however complex. Confide in me your deepest desire to confuscate and confound, impress and impose, show-off and show-up using nothing but the native skill of your brain’s use of language.

In other words, play along and leave me a comment, the more verbose the better.

It’s not something I encourage you to indulge in often, but then, neither is cheesecake–but once in a while? It tastes oh, so good on the tongue.

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